The Middle

I have always been a goal setter. Tenacious. Driven. Disciplined.

Goals make me feel alive. Like I have a purpose. But those same goals were also ruining me. My eye always on the end result. I was missing out on my middle. The lessons God was teaching me in the here and now. Missing out on life.

GOALS > STRIVING > HUSTLE> BE BETTER

I was living my life for the goal and I had made my life about the end result. Be better. Try harder. Be more. Until December of 2018 my life was changed. Forever.

My husband was diagnosed with a brain tumor. Cancer. With this diagnosis came all the uncertainty that life can throw at you. And I was left asking my goal setting future focused self , now what?

In a session with my psychologist, we were talking about what life is like now. I commented that I am living my life between brain scans, believing and praying that the tumor will not come back. Ever. She asked me what is it like living your life not having the answers. “I am living my life in the middle” I said. 

Because that’s what life is!

It’s not having the answers.

Not knowing what comes next.

It is the everyday things we do to make our life what it is.

It is the beautiful, messy, tears, laughter, two steps forward 10 steps back that makes up this life. It is not about me becoming “better” or “more”. It is about being the best possible me in this moment I have been given. Living well. Loving well.

His diagnosis was a wake up call for me. What in the world have I been doing? I shifted my future goals to “now” goals. How do I want to live this life well?

I am and always will be a goal setter but now I am focusing on who I am in the moment. Not on who I will be in the future. It is the moments that I live that when you add them all up…. They become the end result.

This is my middle.